It's Over

It’s Over


   In the summer of 1993, Karoline Joachims got the news that she was pregnant with her second child. Her and her boyfriend, Bruce Lowry, decided that marriage was the best option for their soon to be child. The wedding happened during the spring of 1994 in beautiful Ephrata, Washington. The couple came back to Connecticut, where, two months later, Karoline delivered a baby girl. That girl was me. Two months later the family moved to a small town in New York. In the summer of 1998, the family moved yet again after having their second child. The group moved to Nashua, New Hampshire and lived there peacefully for about three years. Then the arguing began.

     Karoline (mom) and Bruce (dad) fought constantly for two years. They fought about dinner, vacation, us girls, the list goes on and on. The fighting never stopped. Dad cheated on mom many times. Finally, mom couldn’t take it anymore.

     I was seven years old when mom decided the constant fighting needed to stop. While my father was away at a week-long work trip, mom packed myself and my two sisters up in a moving van, and told us we were moving to Washington. We were to get away from my father, away from all our friends, away from our schools, across the country to Soap Lake, Washington to live with her parents until we could afford our own place. My grandfather came all the way from Washington to help us on the journey. The trip took a whole week, me in the moving van with my grandfather, mom, my two sisters, and my pet fish, Swimmy, in her red van. I don’t remember much, except the mounds of confusion welling up inside of me. What was going on? Why were we moving? Was dad coming with us? Did he know we were leaving? No, dad didn’t know. We were running away from him. Running away from the aggressive, hockey-fanatic, porn-obsessed man that I had known as father. I have little memory of him up to the day we left; he was always in the background, watching hockey, yelling at us when we got in front of the TV, or quickly forcing me out of the room while he was jerking off to the moans of an unidentified woman. I guess you could say that the three of us girls had a terrible childhood, but we had no idea the terror that was in store for us.

     We lived happily in Washington for about a year, moving three times within the city. I don’t remember missing this man. Come to think of it, I never had second thoughts about him at all after we left New Hampshire. Life was quieter living with my grandparents. They showed my sisters and I the love and care that my father never showed us. Never once did he call to see how we were doing.

     Dad ended up filing for divorce in the middle of my third grade school year. On the court date, March 18, 2001, I only remember little details, like the way the wood felt when I ran my fingers over the courtroom benches, the way my grandmother walked my little sister –who was three at the time- and I out of the courtroom when mom was called up to the stand to report the abuse my father had given her, seeing my father for the first time since we had left. We sat in the hall- my grandmother, sister and I- playing with the bouncy ball we got out of a machine around the corner. We ran up to meet my mom storm out of the courtroom and burst into tears. It was obvious she had lost the custody battle for my sister and me. She grabbed my sister and me tight, telling us she loved us, and that we’d be back before we knew it. We went outside, and my great grandmother gave us each a stuffed animal- which I still have to this day. Everyone was crying, besides my father and his mother, who both had a sly, evil smirk on their faces. The most vivid memory of that day was my grandma (dad’s mom) pulling me away from my mom’s warm embrace. We were to drive four hours to the Seattle Airport and take the next flight out. “Just imagine this as a long vacation,” they kept repeating, “you’ll be back before you know it.”

     Eight years later, the ‘vacation’ is still going on.

     Although my story is unusual, I am not the only student whose parents have divorced. According to divorcerate.org, 50% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

     Overall, a divorce can be classified as dissolution of marriage. It cancels the legal duties of a marriage and dissolves the bonds of matrimony. In some centuries, divorce is not permitted, such as in the Philippines and Malta, although an annulment is possible. Divorce can contain many things, including spousal support, child support, child custody, distribution of property, and division of debt.

     There are two basic types of divorce: At fault divorce and No-fault divorce. A couple gets and at Fault divorce when one partner can prove that their partner has been at fault on the terms of marriage. No fault divorce is when no party is at fault; they simply just weren't right for each other, whether it was differences or compatibility that separated.

     Although those are the two most common and most basic divorces, there are a few more. One of them is the Summary Divorce, in which a couple hasn't been together for more than five years, have no children together, minimal or no real property, their marital property is under a threshold, and each partner’s personal property is under a threshold.

     Divorce is a long, drawn out process which takes years and a lot of money to finalize. “The divorce process can take anywhere from a few months to several years,” said Joshua Estrin, a licensed psychotherapist living in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., “These challenges are not the kind to be resolved overnight.” When no children, property, pets, etc., involved with the couple, it can cost as little as $500 per person, according to http://www.thelaboroflove.com.This will usually cover court fees and attorney fees. When a child or property is involved, the cost of the divorce increases drastically. It is said that the more you can settle out yourself, the less the actual divorce will cost. The average cost of a divorce in the United States is $15,000. This does not include the possible mental help needed for one or both of the separated parties, and possibly even for a child. It also does not include moving fees and a place to live for the moving one.

     Divorce also costs business’ billions of dollars each year. A study done in 2006 entitled “Marriage and Family Wellness: Corporate America’s Business” by Minneapolis-based Life Innovations calculated that:

• Relationship related stress has cost companies more than $300 billion dollars a year.
• In the year after the divorce, employees lost 168 hours of work.
• Unhappily married couples are four times more likely to abuse alcohol (themselves or their partner), rather than happily married couples.
• Financial pressures typically worsen for employees going through a divorce, which can cost them from $15,000 to $30,000.

     Divorce can also cause poverty in many households. When a couple separates, so does their income. If the couple has child, child support will help the custodial parent pay for food, housing, and clothing for their child, but times will be tough for quite some time.

    Why divorce? Chances are, the more divorced couples you ask, the larger the variety in answers will be. These answers can range from ‘just because it wasn’t working out’ to ‘they were emotionally and/or physically abusive’ to ‘they cheated.’ There are a variety of reasons couples get divorced. All of which end in a hardship. The NFI (National Fatherhood Initiative) asked hundreds of divorced couples to list major factors of their divorce. The most common reason given was “lack of commitment” with 73% of people giving this as a factor. About 56% of those surveyed reported that “too much arguing” was another large factor. 55% of individuals reported that “infidelity” was another one of the highest factors. “Marrying too young” was also another large reason, with 46% of the group giving this as a response. “Unrealistic expectations” (45%) and “lack of equality in the relationship” (44%) were also two of the most common reasons. A surprisingly low 29% of people said that “domestic violence” was a contributing factor. 41% of people noted that “lack of premarital preparation also contributed.

     Some say that cheating isn’t wrong. “If you have any thoughts of cheating, you should end your relationship,” said one in an interview, who wishes to be anonymous, “It’s a sign.” It is, if you think about it. The definition of ‘cheating’ is to defraud, to deceive, and to elude. Anonymous continues, “If you are cheating, you obviously do not care for the person you are with as much as you thought. Once you start cheating, you’re not in a ‘relationship’ anymore; now it is a game.”

     Half of children live with divorced parents. Students with divorced parents are more likely to drop out of high school in comparison to those students who come from stable, healthy household. Worse off are the students who have to go through multiple parental changes, such as those who have to go through more than one death, divorce, remarriage, re-divorce, or move. According to eNotAlone.com, these students have only a 40% to 50% chance of graduating high school. Studies also show that divorce is harder on younger children than older, but no matter how old the child, it is going to be a difficult and stressful time.

     One student has previously gone through the divorce of her parents. Sophomore Sydney Ramirez’s parents divorced when she was nine years old. “I was expecting it, actually.” Her mother broke the news by bringing little nine year old Sydney to the back of her car, and was telling her about all the plates she just bought. “She told me that we were moving to a new house. One where dad wouldn’t be coming with us.”

     The biggest effect of Rameriez’s parents’ divorce was not a very uncommon one. She feels as though she doesn’t understand romantic relationships between people. Children of divorced parents often feel as though they their selves cannot be in a serious, romantic relationship. They often can’t fathom how anybody can have a romantic relationship. It’s not uncommon for a child of divorced parents to never have a long, serious, committed relationship.

    Preschoolers, aged 3 to 5, who have lived with both of their parents their entire life and are used to seeing them every day, will miss the non-custodial parent when they are not around. Their sleeping habits will most likely be disrupted and they will toss and turn restlessly for most of the night. They will often fear of losing one of their parents and think they will never get to see them again.

     Children 6-8 years of age will commonly state that they miss the other parent. A common question asked by these children is “when is mommy/daddy coming home?” They do not realize that a divorce is permanent, and will often time come up with fantasies where the parents get back together.

     On the other hand, children 8 to 11 often feel angry at one parent of another. Generally, the child will label one parent “bad”, and the other “good”, preferring one over the other. Sometimes the child takes care of the “good” parents’ emotional needs, such as comforting them when they cry or feel sad, instead of the parent taking care of the child.

     Adolescent children aged 12 to 18 have the most difficult and life changing effects after/during a parental divorce. They generally feel alone, depressed, suicidal, and angry. Many a time, the average teen starts taking drugs or picks up a beer bottle for the first time, trying to cope with the divorce. The children will judge what their parents do and say about each other and what they have done in the past. They worry about their own relationships, and if they can manage to survive in a long lasting relationship of their own. They feel as if they will make the same mistakes their parents did in their relationship. This is a very stressful time in the teens’ life. When stressed, the hypothalamus –part of the hormone releasing Endocrine system- tells the adrenaline glands to let out more adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones increase heart rate, metabolism, blood pressure, and breathing rate. When divorce causes stress, the body continues to release low levels of these hormones. Over time, this can wear out a person’s immune system, and leave them feeling overwhelmed and depleted, among other serious issues. During the time of adolescence, the body is going through many changes. Stress can cause these changes to be put on hold, or happen too fast. It can also add to the stress level. Not knowing what is happening to your body is a scary thing.

      Dan Rizzo, a junior at Nashua High School South talks about the psychological effects divorce can cause and the disorders it can trigger. “My parents are not divorced, so I wouldn’t know personally, but I do study psychology on my own. Divorce can cause problems in kids and teens, but most generally tend to overcome the effects they immediately experience. But what about those who don’t?” Rizzo continues, “There are hundreds of psychological disorders out there, many can be triggered by divorce. Some personality disorders such as Antisocial Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder can develop if a child’s parents divorce when they are young. Some other disorders that can develop are anxiety, dissociative, and mood.”

     Teens of divorced couples can often time feel unloved and un-necessary in their parents’ hearts. Many teens have tried and succeeded in getting pregnant, just so they will have someone who will “always love them.” Once student who wishes to be anonymous states, “Yes, once my parents got divorced I did feel incredibly unloved. It was hard. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I decided if no one else would love me, a baby would. I would love the baby, and the kid would love me. I would give her all that my parents never gave her. Now I’m pregnant and I 1) can’t afford my baby, 2) my parents abandoned me, and 3) the dad left me. I wish I hadn’t done this. Yes, I am going to continue with the pregnancy and possibly keep my baby. But I’m not sure if I can afford it. I might end up having to give it up for adoption. I do not know how on earth I am going to keep up with all of these emotional issues.”

    On top of all of these serious issues, the child will go through several personal struggles. Some children will not want to go over friends’ houses and see their parents together. They won’t want to go out and see couples. Sometimes they won’t want to watch television or even listen to music, afraid there will be a ‘love story’, of sorts.

     A minority of children, mostly in their teens will have suicidal thoughts. Very few will act on these thoughts, but it is important to watch your child. If there are any signs of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or any other serious issues, it is incredibly important to get them checked out by a doctor.

     Children often think it is their fault their parents are divorcing. In reality, it is never the children's fault. A couple falling out of love is never the cause of anyone or anything. There is no way anything can stop a couple from falling in love or even falling out of love. When it happens, it happens.

     One of the most important things to remember when separately talking to you children about divorce is that you do not talk negatively about your ex-partner. In fact, it is said to be one of the worst things to do. Young children are highly impressionable and whatever you say will stick with them. I can honestly state this is true from personal experience. Every once in a while my mom would say negative things about my dad. I would take these things seriously and secretly loathe him for quite some time. Dad still says negative things about my mom, but I have grown used to them. The things he says still gets to me, and still makes me sick. No matter what age a child is, negative things said about the other parent will affect them in one way of another.

      When talking to your children you should, on the other hand, talk about how both parents are still going to be there to love and support them. When they need one parent or the other, they can always call, and if they parents live close enough together, the child can go to one parent or the other as they wish or need. Sometimes, if the parents are getting along well enough, they should have a family dinner together, as long as they don't fight in front of the children.

     Often times, the child goes through all of these stages and more. I personally went through all of these phases and much, much more.

     Custodial mothers will expect less and less of their children after a divorce. She won’t expect them to go out as much and won’t be surprised when they spend more time at home. The mothers commonly become angry and disorganized. They will have a hard time separating themselves from their children. If the mother rushes into a relationship before the children are emotionally prepared for her to move on, they often feel as if they are caretakers, and psychologically feel uncomfortable.

     There are many divorce ‘fixes’ on the internet which are told to save your marriage. Many of these are scams from psychologists to get money out of hopeless couples. Desperate to fix relationships, many people go to extreme lengths to try to save what cannot be saved. Many experts have stated that it is impossible to fix a broken relationship. Once one of the spouses decides they want to leave, there is almost no hope in ‘saving ‘the relationship. If neither of you want to be in the relationship at that time, there is no use spending hundreds of dollars on marriage consolers trying to fix it. If one of you wants to work on your marriage, that’s another story. When both sides of the couple want to work out some problems, it is possible to become closer to one another. According to an article by R St James on ezinearticles.com, there are a few things you can do to help you along:
a. Realize that you need to be honest and open with each other like you were when you first started dating.
b. When your significant other does open up, don’t over analyze what they’re saying. Sometimes, listening is the best thing you can do.
c.Let go of any baggage from the past. If you need to forgive something, do so, and leave it alone.
d. Do not bring up arguments from the past.
e. Falling out of love takes some time, as does falling back in love. If you don’t give it time to grow, it isn’t going to happen.
f. Change things up. If there was something fun you two liked to do together, go back and do those things again. Maybe even go back to the place where he/she proposed, or where your first date was.
g. If you see something in a store you think they would like, buy it for them. “Impromptu gifts are the most special of all and it shows you are thinking of them and care”, said James.
h. You need to feel good about yourself before you can start to fall back in love. When you look inside of yourself, you will find that the problems are within, and not with your spouse. Fix what you find wrong with yourself and you will be much happier in your relationship.
i. James states, “If you need to blow off some steam, do so, but don’t make it personal.”
j. You don’t need to try to fall in love. You didn’t the first time, you don’t need to try.

     True love is hard to fall out of, but it does happen. As long as it was based on love in the first place, and not infatuation, you have a good chance of saying yourself from becoming one of hundreds of couples to divorce each year. Just remember to breath and stay calm.

    Although a good majority of the results of divorce are negative, there are a few positive things. When you step back and look at the big picture, there are a few things that could be considered positive. A couple that was once happy together turned out not to be right for each other, now they can go their separate ways and ultimately be happy, even if it does take time. If they kept on with the unhappy relationship, they could possibly become violent, and result in an even unhappier future for each of them. When there are children involved, several parents find it easier to get along with each other as time goes on, especially when children are involved.

     Maybe the most frequent place we see divorce is in Hollywood. The most recent and the biggest broadcasted is the one of TLC stars Jon and Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate plus Eight. The couple has eight children together- twins, Mady and Cara, and sextuplets, Aaden, Collin, Joel, Leah, Hannah, and Alexis. In April of 09’, Jon was allegedly reported to be having an affair, after he was spotted with many women and ended up leaving with one of them. Kate was also said to be having an affair with one of her body guards. Both of these statements were denied by the two. It was finally announced on December 19, 2009, that Jon and Kate’s divorce had been finalized. With eight children, this is an extremely difficult case. The ex-couple has stated many times in the final episodes of the show that the house that they had recently bought was purchased for the children. The children would continue to grow in that house with Kate living with them. Jon would visit weekends and at various points in their lives.

     Having so many children and going through a divorce is going to cause many problems as they grow up. The children are rambunctious- just as any children are- and need a lot of watching over to keep them safe. One parent watching over them many not be enough. The twins, being four years older than their headline-making siblings, help care for them. They play with them and help cook with their mom. Keeping track of the eight small children is a difficult task, one that a couple wouldn’t want to face together, let alone by themselves. How they will manage to watch after their children is still a mystery to their 10.6 million viewers.

    Another Hollywood divorce story is that of Mel and Robyn Gibson. Married since 1980, the couple has seven children- Hannah (28), twins Edward and Christian (26), William (24), Louis (21), Milo (19), and Thomas (10). The divorce has been reported to split the property and money 50/ 50.

     Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins have recently broken their 23 year relationship. Although they were not married, they were still in a domestic partnership with their two children, Jack Henry (20) and Miles Guthrie (17).

     The divorce of these people will be heard around the country for months, if not years. Divorce is happening everywhere, all the time.

     More information, and help about divorce and be found at:
http://www.stopdivorcesource.com/how-does-divorce-affect-children-.html
http://www.al-anon.org/
www.vix.com/crc
http://www.divorcing.comhttp//www.parentsplace.comhttp://www.stepfam.org
http://www.stepfmily.org/